Nickelback “Here and Now”

Dear Hi-Fi readers…

Look at what I do for you. I subject myself to substandard music shit to bring you better awareness on what an abomination the band Nickelback is… the worst part to all of this? We’ll all be witness to their shittiness one week from today: Thanksgiving Day during halftime of the Lions/Packers game. I already know what I’m thankful for: the Mute button.

Just bear with me for this thought process. Some executive somewhere thought it was a good idea to have a CANADIAN band (I use the term ‘band’ loosely here) perform for AMERICAN Thanksgiving?!?!?!? Then pitched it to the NFL… and they approved it. I mean I’m not for the death penalty… but this rides the line folks.
I mean, the game is in Detroit!!! The home of mo-town!!! The home of Eminem and Kid Rock! Bob Seger! Alice Cooper! Jack White!! THE MOTOR CITY MADMAN: TED NUGENT!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus get me some blues or jazz!! Give me Adele! Aretha Franklin! Alicia Keys! Singing Empire State of Mind would be less out of place. Hell I’d take Lady Gaga and Katy Perry over these chumps.

Just goes to show, America still like imports better than domestic.

Ok so now that I got that out of the way, we can get to the real lashings; that is, what this album just did to my ears. Jerry Sandusky couldn’t even help me wash my shame away…

The problem with Nickelback isn’t the music. Rather, if you listen to some of the songs that don’t make radio release, some of them do have driving guitar and bass riffs, like the opening track “This Means War.” Drums don’t get in the way and then… it happens… Chad Kroeger starts singing and it all goes to shit.

I’ve never heard more unoriginal lyrics in my life. Made evident by the song “Bottom’s Up.” Just, classic rock is classic for a reason. Songs like Hendrix’s “Purple Haze,” Skynyrd’s “That Smell,” or even Peter Paul & Mary’s “Puff the Magic Dragon” are creative and use euphemisms for drinking and drug use. I have no respect for bands that can’t think of a way to properly use a metaphor to make you think of what you’re listening to (I’m staring at you Buckcherry.)

Just, I’m 5 songs in and 4 of them have sounded exactly the same. This band has no 3rd gear. It’s either rock to a steady beat or a ballad. The problem is, every single one sounds the same. They’ve never bothered to change what they do. Which isn’t a bad thing if you’re a revered and creative band, Nickelback, however, is not. They’re a mediocre rock band who refuse to take any risks in any direction. They’re the G.O.P. of rock bands. No wonder people hate them so much.

They’re rich, successful, and somehow manage to keep drawing fans/getting votes. But dear god are the lyrics to these songs bad BAD TERRIBLE CRAP SHIT. Just listening to the lyrics of “Gotta Get Me Some” makes me feel sorry that nobody really listens to what’s being said. It’s a guy going after his best friend’s ex… right in front of him. Talk about breaking bro-code. To make a song about it though? Major foul dude.

Oh great, now we get the ballad of the album “Lullaby” and again, not going to lie, it starts out FINE. Piano and a well timed drum/bass entrance. Nice and slow… then jesus crippled christ on a cross… the lyrics are BAD. I don’t understand why Nickelback has to be so self aware:

So just give it one more try
With a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I’m reaching out
To let you know that you’re not alone
And if you can’t tell
And you scare yourself
Cause I can’t get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Honey here comes a lullaby
Buried a lullaby

Really? Is this you bragging that you get your songs on the radio? Ok fine. You think I’m nitpicking? How about that these lyrics directly follow that song about wanting to bang his friend’s ex? Or that it’s followed up by “Kiss it Goodbye” where he blantantly sings about disliking people doing drugs and seeing through people’s “bullshit.” Talk about schizophrenic. I feel like this album was written by a drunk frat boy who can’t control his hormones and ends up dry humping a staircase before he passes out.

Oh good, a semi-ballad with “Trying Not to Love You” … where he writes a lyric about not being able to find a pill that can help him how to forget “god knows I hasn’t found it yet.” How is this music? Nothing of these lyrics are moving. It’s annoying really.

Again, drunk frat boy lyrics for “Holding On to Heaven.” Just so uncreative, 9 songs in, not one lyric has stood out as deep or showing any sort of empathy or story telling. It’s literally drunk desperate guy looking for anything to cling to… which continues with “Everything I Wanna Do.”

Aren’t these guys in their 30s? Shouldn’t they be a little more mature than this? I mean, hell, at least Scott Stapp wrote a song for the birth of his son (“Arms Wide Open” for those of you who’ve been spared.)

I know there’s another song left… but I’m done. It can’t bring this album back to life. It’s just lame. Maybe if you dub out all the lyrics I’d appreciate the music. But the fact that this is what, the 6th album that’s been the same damned thing is just too much to take.

2/5 … Ok last song is playing… 1.5/5 this is such crap.

6 Responses to “Nickelback “Here and Now””

  1. 1 jacobull
    November 17, 2011 at 10:12 AM

    As I mentioned to you here at the HiFi watercooler yesterday, the NFL is probably looking at using Nickelback to draw more Canadian fans and their money down to Detriot for the day.

  2. 3 nymike
    November 17, 2011 at 6:58 PM

    … they can keep their loonies and twoonies to themselves!!!

  3. 4 ericstraus
    November 18, 2011 at 10:43 AM

    Dude, you must have been really bored to subject yourself to a Nickelback album. I applaud your bravery and tenacity, but jesus, I couldn’t do it. I’m glad we share the same vitriolic hatred for this joke of a band, along with Buckcherry.

  4. November 29, 2011 at 5:47 PM

    “They’re the G.O.P. of rock bands.” Genius. Great line. And thank you for reviewing this #%$#@ for our entertainment.

  5. 6 nymike
    December 2, 2011 at 9:35 AM

    The hard part wasn’t listening to it. The hard part was trying to keep the general knowledge that they suck out of it. I tried to be objective about it as I would any other album review, I did my best but they really are awful.

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